I’m not good at talking so I’ve decided to type it instead. There is so much stigmatism when it comes to mental illness, there are also many passing comments people use to diminish mental illnesses and there are so many people fighting behind smiling faces. And I am one of them. This is the first time I have spoken out. Nearly a year ago I was diagnosed with mild depression and mild anxiety. Surprised? Bet you cannot believe a girl like me has depression. I go out. I drink. I party. I laugh. I smile. I have friends. I have family. But that girl you know is suffering. I wake up every morning to fight the demons that kept me up the night before. I was having constant conversations with the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. A person I no longer recognised or knew.
There are many reasons why I feel like this. Some are known and some are unknown. What I do know is I’m at war with myself.
Having depression isn’t about having a ‘bad day’ but then it’s not about wanting to die either. There have been times I wanted to kill myself. But I never wanted to die. I knew I’d be okay eventually but eventually wasn’t soon enough. There was no escape, you know? It followed me. I was too ashamed to talk. Too ashamed to get help.
There were good days and you applaud yourself for them. Applaud yourself for not crying that day. Applaud yourself for getting out of bed or any other minor achievements that to anyone else is just habit or routine. What kind of world is that? You don’t wish for good days you just wish for days. To survive that day. Then you’ve done it and onto the next.
I cried nearly every night silently until my chest hurt and I could barely breathe. One night I crawled into a ball on my bedroom floor and was convinced that I didn’t want to carry on. However, I unlocked my phone to a quote saying ‘my current situation is not my final destination’ and to this day I believe that was not a coincidence.
Recovery takes time. I learnt that there is no shame in anything you need to feel better. So I went to the doctors. I took the medication I was given. To LIVE. Just like I wanted too. I learnt I wasn’t less of a person because of my depression. Everything heals. The mind heals. I became to realise I was the person to carry myself through so much heartache. I was the person to pick myself up after crying on the shower floor. Having the strength to do that when the world around you is trying to bleed you dry is a kind of power only certain people can understand.
I’m nowhere near better. It comes and it goes, every day is different. I’m a working progress. It is apart of me. I am fighting. I am learning to cope and understand. I’m surviving. I am living.
Okay so in England what are we all watching?
I’m not going to talk about weight or the diversity of the contestants. I’m going to talk about Autism.
Today, Niall Aslam who left the show two weeks ago unexpectedly, has come out and said he left due to his Aspergers Syndrome. This is very close to my heart as my little brother was diagnosed with autism 3 years ago at the age of 7. So I have witnessed the struggles, I have witnessed the heartache of my family and I have also witnessed confusion of the outside world.
Why isn’t there much funding? When around 700,000 people in the UK are on the spectrum. You may not know anyone who has it, but is that because they are suffering in silence? Or maybe you do know people who have it or notice people that do, do you treat them differently? Do you treat them like you do your counterparts? Because why wouldn’t you? They are PEOPLE.
I truly believe there needs to be more awareness of Autism. It may not be autism awareness month or day but it should be every day. Nothing annoys me more than the stares you get. ASK. ASK what it is. ASK about what you are thinking.
My brother is now 10. He is incredible, he is friendly and funny and is the light of my life. He smiles. He laughs. He lives the best life possible. And I hope and pray this continues with the acceptance he deserves. He may have autism but to me he is Charlie and I wouldn’t change him for the world.
I’m officially EXAM FREE!! So I thought I’d take some time to explain some things.
The last few days I’ve felt quite low about myself. Mainly because I’ve had my head stuck in a book for months and now I have the time to think. I’m trying to self cleanse myself after the last few months. Not only my exams but breaking up with my long term boyfriend is taking its toll on me. Heartbreak isn’t the nicest is it? My anxiety is sky high since we spilt and it has started me questioning my self worth.
I woke up this morning in the same mood I was in yesterday. My mum told me to try her Zumba dvd to my delight.. NOT
However, I actually LOVED it!! It was so fun I felt like I was in a nightclub😂 I can’t believe I actually found exercise FUN??!!?
I also want to express Instagram with you all. The last few days I’ve spent looking at depressing pics of girls in bikinis with holiday bods, making me question myself.
WE NEED TO REMEMBER THIS IS FAKE
Angles and filters can transform a photo.
So here’s me, makeup free posing in my bathroom mirror…
However here is also me🤗🤗🤗 looking bloated as ever!!! (I’ve been bloated all day)
These two pics were taken A SECOND apart. Look what angles can do to a photo!!!
See guys, don’t feel jealous of someone you haven’t seen in the flesh. Don’t be jealous of anyone. You have to learn to love yourself, both versions of yourself. Because that second picture is ME as well as the first pic also being ME.
I’m going to be writing a lot my posts now that I have the time.
Nice to be back🤗
Long time no see guys!!
I haven’t been on this for ages because I’ve been doing my exams!!! How scary… I think I’ve done okay but I have two more to go. The stress I put on myself is actually unbearable. Is there even any need??
I am now single to start of with. Me and Jacob parted ways. I’m sad about it. But I have to do me you know? I need to strive and rise for myself. To prove to myself I’m okay on my own. I need to be proud of my progress and learn to love and nurture myself without relying on someone else to do that for me. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be different. But I’m going to be okay.
NEXT LIFE UPDATE…
I’m at my 2 stone weight loss guys!! I’m unbelievably happy for myself! I’ve dropped two dress sizes and I can’t wait to continue!!
To aid this I’ve been eating vegetarian for a few weeks to detox my body from exam eating!! It’s actually not as scary as I thought!!
This is jacket potato, with a spinach salad and Halloumi cheese. My fave cheese ever😍😍 this is used as a substitute for any kind of mead you may usually have!
I even carried it on to my bbq we had on Sunday! We have vegetable and halloumi kebabs which is totally healthy with fresh pita bread! And also homemade sweet potato wedges with paprika and sesame seeds!! I’m not missing meat one bit!
Here’s some progress pics..
In comparison to…
It’s possible guys!!!
Anyway I better get back to my revision….
I promise I’ll be back soon PROPERLY!!!
Love to you all xx
I’ve woken up today tired and sad and I don’t know why. Have you ever had that? You cry but then sit back and say to yourself why on earth am I crying??
I’m so stressed at the moment as I’ve got exams in the summer and then I’m off to university to start my whole new life😢😢😢😢 I have such big dreams. I want to be a TV/ Radio presenter for music, celebrities and fashion. Ambitious I know.
Everything is on top of me at the moment and I feel like curling into a ball and hibernating for months.
I’ve even been STRESS EATING!!!!! I had some chocolate last night when I was upset because I thought it would make me feel better. But guess what????? It didn’t. It actually made me feel worse and feel fat.
My last few posts have been about makeup and beauty mainly because I’m trying to escape from what I think of myself. I feel so down and concentrating on something else just helps me.
Everybody has an escape.
After last week and feeling low I’m decided to get my bum into gear🍑🍑🍑
I’ve put myself back onto a strict diet routine because it’s nearly summer and i’m not where I want to be! I’ve tried to cut it sugar as much as I can, no sugar in cups of tea, no chocolate EVER, no crisps, no bread (if I can help it)!! So there’s a lot I’m trying to cut out.
Apart from that I’ve started Pilates which has really helped me feel better about my weight by getting active!! And trust me it leaves me feeling sore the next morning…
I’ve also started meditation from an app on my phone which allows me to keep calm and less stressed.
I’m also thinking of joining weight watchers, so if anyone has done it let me know if it’s worth it??
Have you ever felt like your world is falling apart?
These past few days I’ve been feeling low. You know you feel low when you couldn’t define why. You can’t understand yourself why you can’t get yourself out the front door. Or even out of bed. I’ve sat here today and I haven’t moved since I woke up. Why? I don’t know.
My heart hurts. My head hurts.
My diet is up the wall, eating some days and not the next. I feel shit about myself, the way I look and sometimes who I am. Have you ever just hated yourself so much? Not that I recommend it because it’s cruelest thing – self hate. I nearly regurgitate my breakfast when I put my makeup on in the morning. Is that healthy? No. Am I unwell? Probably.
Jacob left to go to college over a month ago. Probably seen him about 3 times. Yes that may be nearly once a week, however, that’s about 3/4 less than I would usually. I love him. But I hate this. Waiting around for him to come home to make me happy. How did I ever become so reliant on someone to make me happy? His parents think it’s best if we split. Not that they said that directly but that’s what they meant. Less distractions for him at home. But the truth is, they are right. His job is now his top priority not that he’d want to admit it. I feel like this situation of months apart isn’t for me, but I’m too afraid to admit it. We have been through so much. Done so much together. Made so many memories. Surely it can’t just end just like that? The worst part is, is that it’s in my hands. If I can’t handle it, it’s me who has to say goodbye. It’s me who has to be the bad guy. It’s too hard making a decision about what you want and what’s best for you, and honestly? I don’t know what’s best for me. How can someone I love bring so much pain unintentionally?
So the truth is.. my life feels like it’s shattering right before my eyes. I feel like my whole world is a ticking time bomb and 1 2 3 BANG is just around the corner. What can I do about it? Absolutely fucking nothing.